Every now and again, you come into contact (directly or indirectly) with someone whose world view differs drastically from your own. That's diversity. It's interesting - usually. Occasionally, that difference leaves you sputtering in confusion: "But who does that? Seriously?"
The issue of fidelity in monogamous relationships seems to be one such minefield.
My own approach (which we shall call "A") is: "I am in a monogamous relationship. I will not seek romantic and/or sexual activity with anyone outside of this relationship." This seems fairly straightforward to me (and to Husband, whose initial response to our proposed relationship was, "Monogamy? Well, I'll give it a try..." and it seems to have worked out quite well, seven years later).
However, I have met, encountered, heard-of-in-the-third-person another approach (which we shall call "B"). It is this: "I am in a monogamous relationship. However, everybody cheats. No-one really means it when they say they're monogamous, and no-one really expects me to keep it in my pants. Therefore, it's okay for me to cheat, because everybody does it."
This seems... convoluted. It means that in a conversation with A, B might be thinking, "What a naive person! How dare they judge me for doing what everybody does!" And I can promise you that A is thinking, "My God, you're a freaking tool, aren't you?" as well as, "You did what? Who does that?" (also, I have it on good authority that B likes to say things like, "But s/he meant nothing to me! Therefore it didn't count!")
This is not about people who do fall in love with someone else, or make a poor decision one drunken night, or anything along those lines. It's also not about polygamous relationships, or open relationships, each of which seems to have its own carefully worked out idiosyncratic approach.
My own theory is this. If you're a person who espouses "B", an exclusive monogamous relationship is not for you. Be honest about it, because maybe your partner is an "A"; if they discover your infidelity, the emotional pain you will deal to them is beyond words, and beyond what you half-arsedly try to rationalise with your "everybody else is doing it" justification.
I like "A", for my money; because I say what I mean, and mean what I say. As far as I'm concerned, life is too short and relationships already too complicated for second-guessing what someone really means when they say something. If you're all speaking the same language, say what you mean.
And mean what you say.
I'm perfectly okay with people being B-types. I'm not one of them, and I don't believe that "It's a historical perogative" is an acceptable argument, because there are plenty of things that historically we've done that we don't do any more.
ReplyDeleteBut anyway, being a B is fine. So long as you tell the person you're with that you're a B. And they're free to be a B as well. You can't be a B and force them to be an A, and you do have to be upfront about it. In my experience, too many B's will string along A's, knowing that the A thinks they're both A's, because it gets them sex. Then, when it's discovered they're a B, they go all defensive, like it wasn't assumed they were being an A as well.
So go ahead. Be a B. But you have to tell prospective partners you're a B. Otherwise you're just a selfish A-hole.
I think my concern with "B" (purely as I've defined it here) as an attitude is that it starts with "I am apparently in a monogamous relationship but..." which is not the same thing as saying, "I am in an open relationship" or "we have both agreed that we are not sexually exclusive". It's inherently dishonest. Again, I have no problem or disconnect with open relationships - I don't think it would work for me, but that's me, and honestly I don't really know enough about them - or casual relationships, but if you start out saying that you're actually monogamous, assuming that no-one expects you to stick to it is pretty poor.
ReplyDeleteI think it's also the "everybody else is being dishonest and that's how I justify my behaviour" schtick that drives me nuts. I remember an argument with a friend where I called him out on being a complete neveryoumind and his response was, "But everybody does that! Nobody would bother to do that [insert considerate, low-effort behaviour that I thought was reasonable]."
Lo and behold, I could list numerous examples of people we both knew who had bothered to do the right thing, in order to avoid shock and hurt feelings. Ah, personal anecdotes.
But if you mean "B" as in people who both understand - and have confirmed - that they're going to sleep around, then sure, it's all good.