On homophobia (or is it?) (Spoiler: yes, it is)

Turns out that this blog is where I like to express what I think of as "the bleedingly obvious" or the occasionally bizarre (I still think that living with animals is bizarre. It's been happening for thousands of years, and I love pets, but it still fascinates me). Generally I'd like to say that most posts won't be as sanctimonious at the last one, but let ye who is not ever self-righteous cast the first stone.

I read all the articles on gay marriage when they appear. Then I read the comments. Then I want to slowly turn and bump my head gently against the nearest surface - gently, because I have a thesis to finish, and bruising my cerebral cortex will not serve me well.

The one I wish to address today is a common objection: "Just because someone is against gay marriage does not make them homophobic! I have gay friends." (paraphrase) Oh, you have gay friends! What a marvellous skyscraper of morality you are! I have gay friends, too! We have so much in common! Oh, wait - except I want my gay friends to enjoy the same rights as my straight friends?

These people who are against any alteration of the status quo are horrified and angry that they are deemed homophobic - "fear of/discomfort with homosexuality" - because they don't like the idea of a same-sex couple getting married. They feel pigeonholed. They feel judged. They feel that "the crazy lefties" are labelling and bullying them (cue the World's Smallest Simple Plan Album Playing Just For YOU*). They appear to think that there is no justification for this idea that an opposition to gay marriage is a sign of homophobia.

I think that perhaps they are not well-blessed with self-awareness or an analytical mindset, so on the off chance that anyone ever reads this without me telling them to do so (ha!), I thought I might lay out the logic that we crazy lefties and/or gay lobbyists (one of my favourite lines: "Oh, I love the gay lobby. It's through the gay front doors and right before you get to the gay elevators.") are following in this case.

1. No argument against gay marriage makes any logical or legal sense. In the interests of not re-hashing in detail, I'll list the arguments of which I am aware, debunk them with my mad debating skills, and move on. This has been done many times before, so in the further interests of not claiming undue credit, I am probably stealing the answers that make sense to me. Then again, logic is provided free of charge. Here we go.

1a. "God doesn't like it." This is the easiest argument in the world to debunk. I'm not going to enter into the religious debate - I lack the wherewithal to do so - so here it is: which God? We live in a secular society. Say it with me: secular. Say it slowly, say it fast, it's a beautiful word. Rolls off the tongue, don't it? I don't have to live according to your religion; the law is on my side. I only have to live according to the law of the land. And the law of the land is (ideally, and nominally) made to fit everyone in that society. We don't make atheists get baptised. We don't make Christians face Mecca to pray. And I'm sorry if those comments are based on religious ignorance - my ignorance in this case is a case in point. Nobody made me go to Bible studies (actually, I didn't have a choice about religious instruction in my second primary school, but that's a separate issue).

Example: I'm married. I'm an adult woman, married to adult man, according to the law of the land. I was married in a civil ceremony in a freaking winery, under a tree. My wedding was not religious. In fact, I've often said that God was not invited, and if He turned up, the deity was gatecrashing. I'm not sure, but I don't think I'm actually married in the eyes of God/Church. As it happens, I still consider myself married. Marriage is not a religious institution; it is a legal condition; legally, it must ignore religion.


Summary: legally, we don't care what God thinks about gay marriage. Legally, we can't care.

1b. "Marriage is between a man and a woman. It's always been that way." No, it hasn't. And how is "It's always been that way" ever an argument for anything? Ideas of marriage change from generation to generation. For thousands of years it's been about the ownership of women and the inheritance of property... in some societies. Same-sex marriage is certainly not unheard of in ancient history.

1c. "I support and defend marriage. I love being married. Allowing same-sex couples to marry debases my marriage." I've never heard anything so ridiculous. Is your marriage so weak that someone you don't know getting married affects it? Honestly, I thought your marriage was about the two of you, but clearly, it's about feeling superior to unmarried people.

1d. "Think of the children!" "Selfish gay parents experimenting on their kids!" Alright, slow down, you're right - homosexual parents should definitely not be experimenting on their children to form X-Files style alien-human hybrids.

Oh. Wait. That's not what you meant.

What you meant was that apparently growing up as the children of a same-sex couple is an experiment. Firstly, marriage isn't about children. This has been debunked so many times, but it keeps popping up: apparently, marriage is about the ability to reproduce, and contribute to the next generation via the binding of gametes. This is arrant nonsense; infertile couples get married all the time. People adopt if they want kids. And furthermore, there are plenty of married, heterosexual couples out there who don't want children, and we let them get married.

Sure, it's nice when kids are raised in stable, loving homes - which homosexual parents are able to provide just as well as heterosexual parents and there are numerous studies showing that there is no psychological disadvantage to these situations. Teh science is against you. I know people who would give their right arm to have been raised by even one sane, present parent of either sex rather than the heterosexual drop-kicks who actually raised them. Heterosexuality is no guarantee of stability. And furthermore, another argument has been raised - I quite like this one - that allowing gay marriages is good for children, because marriage overall increases the stability of a family. It also means that these kids don't have to look at their parents and wonder why, even though there is plenty of love going around, society apparently has decided that the relationship is Just Not Good Enough. No matter how supportive, how loving, how thoughtful, how stable.


1e. "I'm in favour of gay marriage, but why do you need the word marriage?" Why not? Separate isn't equal. If you don't think the word is a big deal, go on, do like your parents taught you - share. Words are a huge deal. We think in language. We debate in language. We justify in language. Language shapes thought, language has impact. Words, in short, matter. You don't gain anything by keeping the word marriage exclusive to a penis-vagina coupling. See (1c).

1f. "Churches will have to perform same-sex marriages which oppose their doctrine!" No, they won't. See Canada.

1g. "I just know it's wrong."

Now we get to the nub of the matter, because so far, none of these other arguments make sense in a secular society. Children will not be threatened (and I'd go so far as to say that if we live in a more egalitarian society, all children will benefit enormously - especially children who grow up to be same-sex attracted and would like to not be bullied, discriminated against, or otherwise abused by society). Status quo is a terrible, terrible argument (see: interracial marriages, women voting, etc. etc.). Religion is an appalling reason to oppose same-sex marriage. If marriage is a religious institution only, I'm not married - and guess what, I take extraordinary exception to that idea. There will be pummelling.

2. "I just know it's wrong." Hon, that's not how morality works. That's not how fairness works. That's not how our society works. We have laws. We have reasons. We generally agree that discrimination is bad. If you have no return argument for any of these debunkings, then your response is instinctive, and inadmissible. Your instinctive response is about your discomfort.

You are, for some reason (probably lack of exposure to the idea that those pesky homosexuals are, in fact, people like you), uncomfortable with the idea of two people of the same sex getting married.

Discomfort. Hrm. With homosexuality.

We do call that homophobia.

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*Re: "A Simple Plan" are probably not around any more. Who is the current emo band that would fit in this bracket? I'm getting old, you see.
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